The retro gaming community is currently losing its collective mind over Konami’s E3 announcement of the TurboGrafx/PC Engine Mini console.

As well they should! It’s amazing that it’s coming out, and that the TG16/PCE is getting some official love and recognition in 2019!

Am I gonna buy it, though? I’m actually not so sure.

While I want to support it because it’s very cool and I love new gadgets, I might not buy it for the same reason I didn’t buy the NES or SNES Classic units, and don’t plan on picking up a Mega Drive Mini either — I already own most of these games and I can play them right now if I wanna. It’s not that I don’t think the minis are super cool — I do, actually! — I just don’t need them, and with me trying not to add too much more to my collection, it just doesn’t make much sense for me to spend money on them. (Of course, I admit the fact that I just bought the MyArcade Elevator Action mini arcade game, when I already own an actual Elevator Action arcade machine, totally shoots this excuse full of holes.)

That’s one of the reasons that I did heavily support the Neo Geo Mini — because I do not own most of those games, and it came with 40 of those prohibitively-expensive suckers. And I just like the little arcade unit too.

With all that in mind, then, what’s left to Mini?

SuperGrafx Mini and PC-FX Mini

Nintendo did the NES Classic and followed it up with the SNES Classic, so it stands to reason that Konami (who now owns all of Hudson’s IPs, which is why they’re putting these out) would follow up the PCE Mini with the SuperGrafx Mini! Yes, one of the most unattractive consoles of all time, only smaller. And it would be budget-friendly too, because the entire SG library consists of only five games!

Then after that, it’ll be the PC-FX Mini! It’s time we made those pervy anime games available to everyone! …Actually, I would buy this if it included Battle Heat and Zeroaigar. And Nirgends, only because I’ve always been curious about it. Hmm…

Pioneer LaserActive Mini

What’s the one console that’s almost as expensive to collect for as the Neo-Geo AES? Why, the LaserActive, of course! (Trust me, I’ve looked into it.) The LaserActive Mini should come loaded with at least the most game-y of its laserdisc-based software library, like Road Blaster, Vajra and Vajra 2, Triad Stone, Pyramid Patrol, the J.B. Harold games, and of course, Time Gal! They could probably skip the educational titles, and maybe Virtual Cameraman could be a hidden title. Or maybe for a more authentic experience, all the games could come on a blu-ray disc that you’d actually load into the unit. Knowing the way these things work though, they’d probably make you buy the Mega Drive version and the PC Engine version separately. Jerks.

Sharp X68000 Mini

One of the greatest gaming PCs of all time, the X68k Mini could come stocked with all the Capcom and Konami hits like Strider, Final Fight, TwinBee, and Akumajou Dracula, plus titles like Genocide 1&2, Dead of the Brain, Can Can Bunny…all without the need to swap around floppy disks!

…wait, that would be amazing. Utterly amazing.

Ya know, this was meant to be satirical, but maybe I’m only half-kidding. Because I would 100% buy any of these. It would make sense, actually — perhaps more sense than the mainstream consoles that are getting the mini treatment — because these are rare and expensive consoles and computers that hardcore gamers would really appreciate being able to experience in a more accessible fashion.

This kind of started off as a joke, but now I’m serious. I want a LaserActive Mini and an X68000 Mini, stat. Who do I call??